Three Years, Three Promises

Yesterday marked three years for BH and I.  It seems like just yesterday we were college seniors.  Just yesterday that we didn't know what graduation would bring, and what the distance between us would do.  After about the sixth month mark, I think there was no looking back.  Relationships are never perfect, and they are never easy.  I just think we got to the point where we both confidently can say we believe we will be together for the long haul.  We have quickly become the bickering old married couple as our other friend couples visit us with few arguments and no goofy inside jabs.  But I think that is what living together for a year and a half will do.  At first this worried me that they may judge us as not being a good couple or good for each other.  But I think they know, I think they know our love for one another is real and special.

So what do you do after so many letters, a scrapbook, numerous picture frames, personalized gifts, romantic meals, and a number of mixed CD's later?  I thought about this for some time...I think relationships are ever changing, and can change for better or worse depending how much you put into it.  Relationships don't have to be something you work on like a chore, but they don't blossom on their own either.  There is a lot of compromise, a lot of give and take, a lot of acceptance.  I want to make three promises to BH for this next year of our relationship, to ensure I'm doing my part of keeping us happy : )


1) To always be your best friend and girlfriend above all else.  I know since we have lived together, I can quickly turn into a motherly figure, or even bossy : /  I don’t like this at all, and sometimes try to catch myself before demanding things, asking you to clean up after yourself, or triple checking if you remember everything, etc…You are an adult, you are my equal, and you are my boyfriend – I should never treat you as a child.  Maybe if we make sure we have equal responsibilities around the apartment – this will help towards that.  But at the beginning and end of each day all I want to be is the girl you love – not the girl you are annoyed by.

2) To bring out your lighter side, as that brings out mine as well..  I think we are almost at the beginning of the rest of our lives.  I know we talk about it a decent amount, but there is so much that will change in the next few years that will shape our future.  Because of this, some days may be stressful, some days may be real serious.  Some days we will be looking for all of the answers and be trying to make all of the right decisions.  I think because of this, it is extra important to not take ourselves so seriously sometimes (which we do quite a bit, considering we are goofy as hell around each other).  But even more than that, we each have figures in this life we look to for help and wisdom, we will always have bosses, and our own moral compass.  Sometimes I think we need help from each other to see the lighter side of things.  We both have so many goals and want to achieve so much out of life, and I know we can help each other reach those things…but at the same time we can’t always take life so seriously.  And sometimes I get nervous if we are both this way, that we will end up two bitter tight asses : )  Maybe we can take turns being the tight asses?  All I’m saying is – things are never as bad as they seem.  We make mistakes, we live and learn.  Life is too short to worry and fret about each and every move we make.  This year, let’s just have some fun.

3) To let you know what we have is enough, the now is enough, you and I are enough.  No more comparing and no more painting the picture of our future, but instead let it unfold before us. This will be my hardest promise to keep.  I need to trust and believe that we are going to be together.  And that all of the things I imagine for us will indeed happen one day.  I need to believe that you do want to be with me as far into the future as I want to be with you.  That God has a plan for us.  It isn’t fair to you for me to rush us, compare us, and belittle what we already have.  I want to be better than that, and when our time comes it’ll be just that, our time.

"Sometimes the things you want the most don't happen and what you least expect happens.  I don't know - you meet thousands of people and none of them really touch you.  And then you meet one person and your life is changed forever." [Love & Other Drugs]

Missing The Days, Weeks, & Months

My Dropbox logo starts bouncing in the bottom right hand corner of my screen. A smile draws across my face.  New pictures.  I get to see him.

I'm now that girl.  The one you can catch staring at his picture in a daze.  The one who is overwhelmed with excitement and calls over any passer-byer to look at her nephew.  Those who will probably never meet him, but can share her happiness in that moment - that can also smile in that moment from his cute-as-a-button photos.  It's contagious.

I miss him every single day.  I don't know if I long more, and hurt more - because of the uncertainty of not knowing when I will see him next.  I can't make a quick drive by to hold him or play with him.  I can't volunteer to babysit for the pure selfish reasons of wanting to spend time with him.  I don't know what I'm missing out on.  I don't know if he'll remember me...

I've always been a little home sick in Missouri, being away from family.  But a year into my time here, I now feel this a whole lot more.  Last April my sister and brother-in-law had their first child, and my first nephew, Colin.  Gosh, I'm not sure if I'll be able to love my own children this much!  I almost feel like it is strange how much of an impact Colin made in my life when he came into this world.  A lot of people have many nieces and nephews, and most don't even have the closest relationships.  But Colin is the first baby I've ever really been around my whole life.  And I just want to be there for every change, every drool, every laughter, every cry (well maybe some crying), first crawl, first step, first words.  When he gets older I don't want him to have to be re-introduced to his Aunt Samantha every trip.  I'm so afraid I'll miss having the connection with him I so desperately want to have.  I want to see him more, be there more!  I want to help, and be a part of his life.  I understand now how much joy a baby can bring into ones life.  I can only imagine seeing his face after a horrible day - would erase every bad feeling.

I miss my family, but I miss even more the days, weeks, and months that are shaping my nephews childhood.

These words are my ramblings on a home sick night, in my home sick bed - there definitely is no place like home.

Our Most Common Fears: Public Speaking

"According to most studies, people's number one fear is public speaking.  Number two is death.  Death is number two.  Does that sound right?  This means to the average person, if you go to a funeral, you're better off in the casket than doing the eulogy." -Jerry Seinfield

My company offers courses we can take through a learning center program we have.  As I flipped through the course catalogue to see the options - there was one that had been on my mind, but that I also feared: a presentation skills course - AKA giving speeches - AKA public speaking - AKA I can hear my voice trembling now.

Ok, ok, this is an exaggeration.  I have actually gotten a lot better at public speaking over the years.  My MBA program made me feel a lot more comfortable - I'm not sure if it was because we were in groups, of if we did them so often it became second nature.  One very big aspect that put me at ease was the fact that most of the people in the audience were my peers.  I haven't had to give a presentation in my current position yet, but part of this is by luck.  Usually our group rotates presenting on a topic we specialize in/work on month to month at our staff meetings.  However, this hasn't been done in awhile.  The biggest difference between a presentation at work compared to presentations in class is that many of these people will be more educated than me on the subject I am speaking of (my superiors).  This definitely frightens and intimidates me a little bit, no, A LOT.  

The class took place over the last 2 days, and I am thrilled with the way it went!  I couldn't believe the difference between Day 1 and Day 2.  Day 1 we started with an introduction presentation we prepared, and also brought in a presentation we have done in the past that we want to improve on, or one we will be doing in the future.  We also presented the second speech on Day 1 and got critiqued - to change, practice, and give again on Day 2.  It is hard to believe I could give a presentation on a work topic better than I could give on myself.  But it indeed turned out this way.  For my first introduction presentation my hands were freezing,shaking - and my voice gave away my nerves as sentences cracked with discomfort.

The "did well" and "do differently" session then took place around the room.  My number one critique (other than the fact they could tell I was nervous), was that I did much better when I wasn't looking at my notecards.  That I was much more comfortable, confident, and spoke freely in those times.  My eyes jumped to the twenty notecards I had clipped for my afternoon presentation.  I made up my mind right there, I was going to try to do something I had never done in my whole life.  I was going to speak in front of an audience with no notecards.  The cherry on top was, I wouldn't even have time to practice.

I did it!!! I gave a fifteen minute presentation on the orders and sales files I do every month in my position.  No notecards.  No cracking voice.  Eye contact.  Audience involvement.  I trusted my knowledge, I trusted that I could find the words - without being dependant on a prepared speech  in which I would have read verbatum.  The key here is, even though I didn't pratice and prepare for this speech without using my notecards, I did practice it numerous times.  I did know the material.  Without even knowing it, my preparation was enough to let the notecards go.  According to the course instructor, a presentation is about 90% planning, and 10% delivery.  Usually I would not agree with this, but I believe it a little more now than I did before. 

There is no doubt on any given day no matter how much I have a subject mastered, that my nerves could get the best of me.  But I would like to share a few tips that have opened my eyes and that I will carry with me going forward.  From the short handbook 136 Effective Presentation Tips by Tony Jeary and David Cottrell:

• Your presentation is not about being perfect; it is about "connecting with others"
• Thorough preparation equals greater confidence
• The more you practice looking confident by practicing in front of a mirror, spouse or co-worker, the more confidence your audience will see when you stand in front of them
• Beginning strong: Entertainment: You do not need to be a comedian, but you should have a sense of humor.  Almost everyone enjoys listening to someone who captures attention with humor (My example: In the presentation I did my best on, I opened with a question I asked around the room and let myself be goofy by having a round of "Business Feud".  It set the tone and completely relaxed me for the rest of my presentation - this really worked!)
• In over 20 years of coaching executives and teachers, I have observed that the most important characteristic of outstanding presenters is the sincierty, warmth, and friendliness of their delivery - Tony Jeary
• According to a UCLA study, sucess in a presentation depends 7% on the words actually spoken, 38% on the tone in which the presentation is delivered and 55% on the speaker's body language

All in all, the Presentation Skills course was such an amazing experience.  I met some great people, whom I learned from their fears and shortcomings as well as their critiques of mine.  I stepped out of my comfort zone - to learn, to change, and to be better.  I am not sure when I will give a presentation next, and I still can't say I'll be the first to jump at the opportunity - but one thing I do know now and believe in is that I can confidently give a good presentation.  I can trust myself with the proper preparation, a strength I have control over, to speak comfortably to an audience.  I can own my insecurities and take hold of the fear - and let me be enough.



"One of the secrets of life is to make stepping stones out of stumbling blocks." [Jack Penn]

What are your biggest fears when it comes to public speaking?  Are you ready to tackle them?

Beachbody® Workout Videos

When I finished college sports, I fell into a pretty bland routine of running every day.  It became pretty addicting really, and I never wanted to take days off.  My body didn't like this too much.  On top of all of the running, I had stopped weightlifting which had always  been a part of my routine.  I thought I no longer had to be as big and strong as I was if I was no longer competing.  Now, my muscles that were once built up to sustain the pounding and support me weren't quite as strong.  It wasn't long until a sharp pain began occurring to the outside of my knee.

I think many people fall into a running for cardio and burning calories trap.  You can head outside which costs no money at all, or hit up a treadmill day after day.  Pretty simple.  But injury or no injury - this routine was losing its luster - I had to mix it up a little bit!  From 2009 to now I have dabbled with many workout videos that are the perfect supplemental workouts to change up a pure running and cardio routine.  I've never done any of these three programs from start to end (running 20-30 miles a week was still important to me), but mix them into my routine 2-4 times a week.  Now that I have all three programs, I actually do workouts from any of the three programs weekly - depending on the situation or need.

These workouts are perfect!  Reasonably priced, you can do them in the comfort of your own home (no traveling and easy to squeeze in on a tight schedule), and they make great secondary workouts for two-a-days or to spice up any mundane workout routine you currently have.  Some short reviews on the three programs in the orders I found them and started doing them are below:

P90X^®


These videos are great for someone looking for a full body fitness routine from home - with as little as a few sets of weights and a pull bar.  Your average person could complete this program, as they have modified moves for almost everything (for example, you can minimize the pounding/impact of the plyometrics video by not leaving the ground quite as much).  I would say after doing the other two workout videos I'll mention next, P90 focuses most heavily on strength training (two options: size&strength (6-8 reps) vs. toning&endurance (12-15 reps).  Tony Horton at one point says the Plyometrics video is the mother of all P90 workouts.  Two things can be said for this.  One, the first time I completed the Plyometrics video I was indeed sweating, panting, and struggling.  Two, after completing the easiest Insanity video - there is no comparison.  

My least favorite part of the P90 series is the time involved (most videos 55-60 minutes, yoga is 90 minutes) and I don't get quite the sweat I'm looking for at this point.  My favorite part is the weight routine.  I have most of the legs and upper body routines memorized so I can squeeze them in at the gym, or even casually do them in from of the TV at night.  There are so many unique moves I learned from these videos compared to the same old moves I did all through college and going to the gym on my own.
 

Insanity^®

I had to do a double take on the Insanity series.  I did the Fit Test shortly after recovering from the sharp knee pains from running.  Some of the actions that hurt the most when I was having knee pain were walking down stairs,  running up or down hills, and any lunge like movement.  So while I thought I was recovered, the fit test had a ton of pounding and many big jump moves.  I did not like this, and after that first video said this cannot be good for anyone.  On that note, I do not recommend this video for anyone who is injury prone or is not used to heavy impact.  These videos should be used by people who are pretty fit or are ready to take on the challenge and work their way up.  But hands down this series is not for every age group - for example someone who struggles with aches & pains.  This video would never be suited for my mom - and it would be hard to modify the entire video.

When I gave the videos another shot.  I fell in love.  They have many videos that are 40-50 minutes in length and can be fit into any schedule.  And no matter how short the video, I have a pool of sweat on the floor and feel like I just had an amazing workout.  While they do have two videos that are just under an hour - these are perfect for weekend workouts (especially if you don't have a gym membership!)  I would sum these videos up as great cardio/calorie burning workouts.  Mixed in with all of the high intensity cardio moves are tons of push-up sequences.  While these are the moves I struggled with the most, they have worked my abs more than any ab specific exercises I have ever done!  I now love push-ups!  And try to squeeze in randoms whenever I can.

This series also requires NO equipment which is a huge plus.  Everything revolves around your body and your body only.  I never knew you could get such an incredible workout with the one tool we were born with.  Even though I wouldn't consider this a strength training series, there are many moves that use your muscles and will tone you up.  I usually don't feel guilty about not doing a leg weight lifting while only running and doing these videos, since both are constantly using my legs and explosive strength.  However, I find when doing this combo my arms are heavily neglected (outside of pushups which I consider to be a perfect full body move).  That being said, a perfect week for me would be running 20-30 miles, doing 2-3 Insanity videos, and squeezing in a P90 Shoulders & Arms video (a rotating 3 set sequence of shoulders/biceps/triceps).

^{Insanity: The Asylum™}

At the current moment, I can't give a full 100% review of this series.  I have only done two videos.  I got this progam for Christmas and am trying to decide the best way to attack it.  The entire program is only 30 days long - which is very feasible and could yield great short term results.  My issue, like completing any of these programs in full - is that I am not willing to give up running.  But the reason I am an advocate for all of these videos is because they are supplemental workouts that change things up.  They can keep you from getting bored and plateuing from the same workouts you have always done.  As Tony Horton says, "Variety.  Is. The. Spice. Of. Life."

Moving on, the two videos I have done from Asylum may be my favorite!  It takes me back to training in high school with a personal trainer.  Both Insanity and Asylum are lead by Shaun T, a former college track athlete.  It really feels like he is there coaching you, and he definitely steps up his intensity and coach like characteristics in this series.  It is like your training for a football combine!  Which in my mind, is beyond exciting!  While the program recommends first completing the Insanity  program, I actually think they are pretty different so far.  This program has two tools that are heavily used: jump rope and a speed ladder (also optional strength bands which really kick things up a notch).  One reason I would recommend Insanity first, if you don't consider yourself an athlete or someone who trains like one - the Insanity program will really get you used to the intensity, constant moving, and minimal breathers.  

One downfall to this program is space needed.  I need to rearrange my whole living to dining room area to fully complete each exercise.  And even then have to move around the speed ladder quite a bit as fast as possible.  While it isn't ideal, it is worth it.

Bottom line, from the videos I've done so far, this series makes you feel like your training for something - and you can choose your own motivation.  And as the program suggests, I can't wait to test myself come "Game Day" (a 75 minute DVD to test all that you've prepared for).

Sidenote: All of these programs also come along with nutrition plans.  I am not a certified personal trainer or a nutritionist - but I know a lot more about working out than eating healthy.  My own personal struggle definitely deals with food & nutrition.  I love working out, but I may love eating just as much.  As far as being on a diet or any sort of plan the only method I've had much success with is counting calories (recommendation:Live Strong-MyPlate), this at least holds me accountable.  But the nutritional plans that come along with these programs are very strict, and would probably be a 360 for most people.  More kudos to you for attempting the videos and the nutrition plan, and if you are looking for results there is no doubt you will probably see 2x the results and faster as well.  At this moment in my life, I choose to workout a lot so that I can also enjoy other aspects and not feel as guilty for doing so.  Everything in moderation, right?


There it is, the possibilities that can be delivered from a DVD player in your own living room!  Roll out of bed, and be sweating five minutes later.   Welcome to your own personal fitness class!  In a world of abundant options, the tools are always at our fingertips.  We decide what can be done with them and where they will take us.

"30 second water break...Drink your water...you only get 30 seconds people this isn't a coffee break!" -Shaun T

Anyone else have some great out of the ordinary workout routines or video recommendations?

Next Step In Blogging Or The Next Lightbulb In My Head to Flicker Away

I have some goals for this weekend.  I have become a tad bit...obsessed and infatuated with this blogging world/community. I think to not be completely embarrassed by my blog, I need to attempt to spruce it up a little bit and learn more about the technology behind it all.

#10 is the real dilemma.  So far I have chosen to keep my blog anonymous for two major reasons:

1) I want to get personal - and would never want any of my relationships with my family, friends, or BH to be hurt by this (or they may not like my feelings to be shared with the world wide web)

2) Work - you hear so many horror stories now a days about people getting fired for things off the Internet.  I don't plan on ever bad mouthing my job, and feel very blessed to be in the position I am - is it worth it to potentially risk that at all by connecting my blog to my name?  And to tie back in with #1, if people from my work do find it and even if I don't get fired over it - do I want them seeing a vulnerable/personal side to me?

I had a conversation with BH the other night.  I asked him, "I'm easily excitable aren't I?"  He responded, "Yes".  He can be a man of few words sometimes, especially when I talk his ear off.  In 2011 and the beginning of 2012, I probably got really excited about trying and starting four different things...and then I'm left where I started - in the same place.  I've discussed the following:

• Part time job (retail) - side income (pure monetary reasons)
• Volunteering - Brothers & Sisters or Nursing Home (become more fulfilled)
• Personal training part time - Triple threat (being able to fulfill my love for athletics/fitness, fulfill the want/need of helping others, and help financially)
• And now blogging.

To be easily excitable - can be a great thing, or a disappointing thing.  When I take a long hard look in the mirror, I have so many ideas and thoughts that I never put into action.  Definitely gets me thinking...

ANYWAYS.  At this point, this is a day to day process for me, and I'm just going to see where it takes me!  I hope I can make this excitement last and not let it flicker away.

Finish every day and be done with it.
You have done what you could.
Some blunders and absurdities, no doubt, crept in.
Forget them as soon as you can,
tomorrow is a new day;
begin it well and serenely,
with too high a spirit to be cumbered
with your old nonsense.  Ralph Waldo Emerson



I would really love to hear back from some people who have been in my shoes before.  Both from being new at blogging and taking baby steps, and also from those who have debated between anonymity and putting your real self out there.  Thanks!

Living Like Broke

From the time I was young, I could hardly wait until the next phase in life.  When I was 13, I couldn’t wait until I could drive.  When I was 16, I envisioned heading off to college.  And when I was in college, I imagined what life would be like with an income, a real world job, and no more studying.

When most speak of the college dream they reminisce on four years of freedom, being careless, binge drinking, and all in all the best time of your life.  I saw it as a stepping stone to bigger and better things – adulthood.  I was actually excited for adulthood.  At first on track to graduate a semester early, a series of events led me to draw out my last year and stay for the entire four years.  It was soon after this decision I realized it may be beneficial to stay for more than four years – because the economy was at one of its weakest points (along with unemployment rates sky rocketing).

I had a job offer going into my senior year, which I would start summer of 2009, the offer was rescinded in March 2009.  After months of being at ease, I had to start from scratch.  A few interviews and some job offers later (all in sales related positions), I decided to knock out my MBA in a one year program.  Even with the job market looking bleak, a masters degree was becoming more sought after and expected, as headlines appeared “an associates is the new GED, and a masters is the new bachelors”.  However, I know most of us debt ridden from student loans have questioned more than once – was it worth it? 

So the real question is – was adulthood all I had hoped it would be?  After working about a year and a half in my first “real world” job, I can say it has its pros and cons.  But one thing I know for sure – in order for me to live out the American dream in my next phase in life and be financially successful – I’m going to keep living out one aspect of the college lifestyle, living like broke. 

After spending my first pay check on business clothes – I was quick to make a budget before ever receiving my second check.  With an in-flow of cash that I was not used to – I wanted to know where it was all going to.  My biggest excitement came from the concept of “pay yourself first” – and this was my first order of business.  From books such as “The Millionaire Next Door” (which first inspired me to become a finance major) and “The Automatic Millionaire”, one of the ways they suggested to save was using this method.  With this method you could pick a percentage you wanted to contribute to your retirement plans and/or savings plan, and have an automated process that docked this amount before ever seeing it.  My goal for my first year was to put away between 10-15% between my 401k and ROTH IRA (not including employer match).

This is me agreeing - that yes, I am a little bit of a dork (Had to dig into the archives for this!)

After that, I could budget out the rest of my money, and feel comfortable spending the rest of my pay month to month (of course still budgeting a set amount to savings as well to start building that emergency fund).  Then the not so exciting part – how much to put towards loans.  While I started higher than the minimum amount from the get go – a year later I really decided to ramp things up – therein my story lies of living like broke even after college. 

There was one major reason that made this lifestyle extra attainable/reasonable, BH would have three years of school where he had no choice but to live cheap.  Living off loans and eating that Ramen (he actually does love Ramen - but we do have our fair share of nights of eating out no doubt).  While this was tough at first since I was seeing money come in – it was at that point I could comprehend – if I could live like this for just a few more years, it could make a huge difference in the future.

It still took that year for me to really kick my student loan payments into high gear (stayed tuned for the future article: Project Debt Free By 27) because I had a pretty picture in my head that I could save enough money on my own to put the down payment on a house by the time my boyfriend graduated.  This dream was starting to look bleak – (sheesh even a $160k house will take $32k in savings!).  Along with other rationales – of not knowing where we would want to live permanently after his graduation and what not, it just didn’t make sense.  Besides…if I could get my loans payed off by 27.  We can save a ton in his first 3 years of employment, and be in a great position to buy a house not too far down the road.

Where am I getting to with all of this?  I could live in a low key one bedroom apartment, save a little less than I was before (not changing my retirement accounts – only my side savings), and live the lifestyle my boyfriend already didn’t have much choice to live.  My current income allocation is below, and there are definitely many categories I would like to have higher (Savings & ROTH), but have choosen to try to get my loans out of the way first.  And once my loans are done - it'll be a huge payday to myself (I also hope to never take out a loan for a car again):

All of this will lead me to my goal of Debt Free by 27 - and ideally, debt free for life (minus a mortgage).

Caveat:
I do not live a fabulous life.  And critics are everywhere around you.  Between happy hours here -grab a few drinks there, eat out this weekend, dressing fashionably, posh and modern decorated apartments/condos, the pressure to live your life today for the hard money you earned.  Perhaps, I am too much of an open book.  I’ve been quick to say I don’t want to go to a bar because it is expensive, or suggest to pre-game at my place then meet them out (I’m sorry but drinks are just outrageously priced at bars! – and hey, it is what we did in college), and maybe my ziplock coupon bag slipped out at a happy hour outing once.  For all of these things, I have been called too tightly wound, or criticized for not having enough fun or enjoying life.  The only thing I’ll admit to is being frugal, money conscious, and wanting a good future. Not everyone needs the same lifestyle to make them happy.  And I know my smart choices now will pay off ten fold in the future. 

Don’t let other peoples lifestyles deter you from the life you want to live.  Do what makes you happy – even if outsiders may see you as a little bit lame or a home body, or the best one – 24 going on 54.  I have thought since moving to Missouri, that this track may have prevented me from making as many friends.  But when it comes down to it – whoever will become your true friend is there because they like who you are as a person – not because you can afford the fancy restaurants or cocktails a few times a week. 

Ultimately, there are three driving factors that give me peace of mind in this life:

•  Happy relationships - family, friends, & BH
•  Health/Fitness/Exercising
• Financial balance/Obtaining financial security

And in the future, I'll learn to keep things to myself a bit (starting with leaving the coupon ziplock at home) - not everyone has to know the financial secrets to my future.   : )

Falling Short: When Trying Isn't Good Enough

Sometimes you want some credit...

Sometimes you want to be told, you're doing amazing, or you are amazing...

Sometimes you want to know you've done well - before you mess up again...

Sometimes I'm really good at running away from, avoiding, and even forgetting fights.  When the answer doesn't seem to appear, and my thoughts are so tangled I can't even seem to shake one loose - I leave.  As I head for the door without him knowing my destination, his voice trails in the background.  The door shuts behind me.  I take the elevator down staring at the illuminated one with a blank trance.  I scatter across the street and the night's clouds begin to turn to darkness.  Sometimes, I just leave to forget and start over.

Have you ever had one of those fights where you go in circles, and it seems as though neither of you is right?  You keep defending your point, saying you understand theirs, and then end up back at the beginning?  Often when two stubborn people fight - it can be hard to come to a conclusion.  And I used to think I was that, stubborn.  Wanting to be right, prove my point.  When you've been with someone long enough - I think you lose that mentality.  Honestly, it's just too hard.  Fighting is too hard.  Being right is too hard.  Winning or losing - neither feels as it should.  I just want to be OK.  I just want to be looked in the eyes, and be told: it's ok.  And maybe even if I'm not right - it hurts to be told I'm wrong.

I try really hard to be a good girlfriend.  Sometimes I try more than others.  Those times I literally have to take a few minutes, give myself a pep talk, convince myself not to send that text - or not to say what just ran through my mind.  I talk myself into believing I'm crazy.  And just try to push it down, just a little bit.  Somewhere down there, is a mess of confusion and madness.  Only I have to live in my own head.  Only I have to still feel the things I am holding back, even if I chose to not let them come out.  To not let them affect him or us.  Even when I do this, it doesn't always make me feel better.  But maybe it'll prevent a fight.  And soon enough, it will be forgotten.  Soon enough, it won't seem of substance.  So I give myself a slap on the back and say good job for not making something out of nothing.  But I will never get brownie points for that.  Cause even though that is me trying to be a good girlfriend, maybe to some that comes naturally.  Or to some those thoughts never occurred to them at all.  Maybe some others are just really good girlfriends.  Maybe I'm just trying to fake it 'til I make it...

What are these thoughts that I have to combat and overcome almost daily: jealousy.  It is ugly, it is loud, and it is unavoidable.  And I wish more than anything it would go away.  From what I've read, there is usually always a finger to point that leads to jealousy, and not a finger directed to ones partner.  The two most common I've seen are from insecurities within, and of course trust issues.  Let's throw in there daddy issues as well - for shits and giggles (or because I believe this relates to my case).

Let's face the first possible culprit, insecurities.  I believe this is probably my biggest issue when it comes to jealousy.  When it comes down to it - at the end of the day I am always wondering if there is someone out there better for him than me.  And in my day to day life, without even knowing others personally - it seems like every other girl could offer him something I cannot and would be a better fit.  And the girls he knows, well why isn't he meant to be with them instead of me?  I do believe I have many qualities I bring to the table in a relationship - but I can never be completely confident in myself knowing the options in this world are abundant.  Why choose me?

For me trust issues go hand in hand with insecurities.  I trust BH more than anything, although he finds that hard to hear when I do let my jealousies show.  I don't think he would ever cheat on me.  But to me, the thought of him potentially falling in love with someone else hurts more than a physical encounter would.  Him getting close to someone else.  Someone else flirting with or confiding in him.  Maybe I see how amazing he is more than he does, and I can't help but think every other girl would see those qualities as well.  Again, why choose me?

And last but not least - most girls have daddy issues.  I happen to have a dad who has said these very exact words, "men are not meant to be monogamous."  Now, I forget at this point if he said men, or people in general.  Either way, it was engrained in me.  My parents didn't divorce until my teens -  but there were many shaky periods during my childhood that remain in the fog.  I feel they both let pieces of the past dribble out over time as my sister and I get older - but they never want to put down the other in a way to make them different in our eyes (I commend and respect them for this, since they are still best friends).  I'm not sure if there was infidelity during my parents relationship - but I can assume as such.  One thing I know for certain, at least from my dad's side and in my eyes, my mom was not enough. 

Maybe this would be easier to swallow if my dad were a horrible person - but the fact of the matter is, relationship preferences aside, he is the best man I know.  The best father I could ever ask for.  He would do anything for just about anyone - and has lived his life helping and protecting others.  How could this wonderful man feel this way?  And most of all, what if he is right?  I think how much I love my father even due to his feelings/actions can be summed up by a quote I heard on TV the other day, "We don't love the people we love because they're perfect, we love the people we love because they are."  I guess I have to hope the same can be said for those who love me.

It could be weeks or it could be months, without having slip ups.  This jealousy is my biggest flaw.  It makes me feel broken.  It makes me feel like I may never have a successful relationship if I don't get over it.  It makes me feel like damaged goods...and I don't know when I can overcome this or if I ever will.  In the remake of the movie Alfie starring Jude Law, there is a part in the movie where Alfie is dating the beautiful Sienna Miller, who is perfect on the outside.  But slowly her issues begin to show.  He recalls the following memory from his childhood:

"When I was a boy at St. Alban's Secondary School, the school took us on this cultural trip to observe art at one of the...One of those big famous London museums.  Anyway, when I was there, I came across this statue of a Greek goddess in marble.  Aphrodi... Aphrodite, something like that.  Beautiful, she was.  Perfect female form.  Chiselled features.  Exquisite. I stood in awe of her.  Finally, the teacher calls us all over, and I'm walking past it, and on the way I notice, in the side of this Greek goddess, all these cracks, chips, imperfections.  Ruined her for me.  Well, that's Nikki.  A beautiful sculpture...damaged...in a way you don't notice till you get too close."